friday we went skating, that is, annu jeremy and i have. luana and ernest left early. i was so proud of annu because she's getting so much better at it. although i thought we were supposed to be skating to old rock hits... instead a radio was playing. skating was fun regardless but why would you promote an event that you're not going to keep? weird. i had a great time and i want to go skating again. soon. ^_^

jeremy is spending more time with us which is how it is supposed to be. on tuesday, sept. 23rd we went to hear ishmael beah, the author of a long way gone: memoirs of a boy soldier, speak. it was a very interesting lecture, if "lecture" is what you want to term it. he was entertaining, witty, brilliant actually. he kept everyone entertaining and we all paid attention to him. it was not what i expected although i don't exactly know what i was expecting. after all, a man who survived a war, worse, was a boy soldier himself, that's gotta mess one up. how do people cope? lectures like that raise very difficult questions i can't imagine answering.    

i got to talk to jocie today. it appeased the need for a few hours. then it came back. *sigh* i don't know why i am so needy right now.

i'm studying right now. well, not studying right now, obviously. the plan was to study, which i am, however, my eyes starting itching and there's a limit to how much i can read about proteins in one sitting. taking a bit of a break. i have a bio exam on friday. perhaps i have a performance anxiety; almost like a erectile dysfunction, nobody cares about it but me. hmmmph. i might work on my paper for HNR. i think i know where i'm going with it, only, i need to actually write it. that's prolly the hardest part of writing a paper --> actually writing it. 

this semester turns out to be a bit different. maybe it's just me (<-- of course it's me. who else?). i feel so separated from everyone. i miss people something terrible, they don't even know how much. it's hard to even talk to them what with their own schedules, my crappy sprint  connection (i don't have service in my apartment). just this sunday i called my brother, but he was busy, my parents were expecting guests. i called my mother and got to talk to her maybe half an hour. jocie and i have phone tag most of the time. the problem is not even with talking to people, only that when we talk, it's not enough for me. not anymore. i don't know why. this need to be in touch constantly is just overwhelming sometimes.

on the other hand, i started my job with Literacy Corps. i'm working at the same site i worked last semester. some of the kids are new, some i've already met. learning names is always an experience. it's was nice to go back. this summer, if i do stay in syracuse, perhaps i'll be able to volunteer over the summer, if not full time then part time. wow. i'm already thinking about the summer, the semester hasn't even finished yet. getting a bit too ahead of myself.

g to earth then. today i went to one of the syracuse symposium lectures. the theme this year is migration. two speakers were presenting today. paula luttringer and margarita drago. both ladies were imprisoned during the argentine military dictatorship in the 70s. luttringer is a argentine photographer and memorialist of violence. she spoke about her work as an visual artist. drago is a professor of spanish language and literature at the york college. she's also a memoirist, and author of Memory Tracks: Fragments from Prison 1975-1980. the lecture had been intense, i must say. the history of the desaparecidos is a daunting one. so many are still missing, although it has been years since the dictatorship. how do you deal with that kind of pain and fear? do you forget? yet, to forget such violence is to allow it to happen again.

do you forgive?

the weekend came and went. i had plans, most of which didn't fall through. that's not unusual though. spend the saturday reading some hp, which did not help the thoughts of loneliness. but they were very well written, and sometimes, i girl likes to enjoy a very well written slash. even if the sex doesn't come until the v.v. end. but it's a quality story that i shall not feel guilty about.

then i spend my time on unraveling... yes, unraveling (if that's the correct term to use right here) the hp scarf i made years back, and the scarf i've made yesterday. i'm planning on reworking them. the hp scarf is an obvious reason, as it was overly big, overly wide, and it had an inside/outside quality. i'm planning on making it smaller, so it doesn't quite choke you, and with no sides. you'll see it eventually (aka, when i'm done. i can't say when that will be). the other scarf, i want to get rid of the inside/outside quality of the scarf. i still plan on giving it out to charity or something once i'm done, but that doesn't mean it can't be quality job.

i did some hw for bio and spa. not enough work to ease my eternal guilt of procrastination but enough to appease my conscious self. <-- that, as we know, doesn't last that long. then i watched a movie called "camera buff" by krzysztof kieslowski. it was interesting. i think jerzy stuhr, the main actor, is a genius highly worthy of all the praise he receives. the movie was good.

sunday, i went to church. biked for like 10 min (and realized just how out of shape i am). but biking was fun in itself. i haven't been on a bike for YEARS and... well one just does not forget it. you get on it, and you pedal away. then your legs start to give, that's a whole different story. later on sunday my roommates and i went swimming. it's was awesome despite the fact that *i* can't swim. still liked the water. i was missing that over the summer.

came back home, and ate dinner. did some more hw. i do have bio test on friday. i also watched the other movie that was lying on my shelf for few weeks now. this one is also by kieslowski. it's called "a short story about love" and it has become one of my favorite movies. it's incredibly complex. there isn't that much dialogue but the acting is up to par. the movie is incredibly painful, especially tomek, the main character who is very odd <-- keyword, odd, struck something in me. i was thinking the other day just how difficult it must be for kids in orphanages. and then i am watching a movie (by coincidence really) about a boy/man from orphanage who can't quite deal with the emotions involving being in love. the movie made me really uncomfortable at some parts, enough that i had to pause the movie to collect myself. that hasn't happened in a long time.

i was... in a very interesting place today. mentally i mean. i went to class, and i must say, i surprise myself here because *wait for it* i actually stay awake *wonder*. perhaps it's because i've been getting sleep, or it might be a fluke, who knows, but it feels good. what doesn't feel good is all that reading i STILL haven't done. it actually scares me a bit.

back to the mental place. so, after classes [i had bio and then spanish. i had fun in spanish today. we were learning about accents] i went to the farmers market with annu. it was raining pretty bad and i had no umbrella. met sarah [the girl that gives us a lift on thursdays to the riding center aka the place where i get to ride jc] and talked for a while. we didn't buy any fruits or vegetables, but we bought flowers. i went home, annu went to class. i put the flowers into the glass vase. they looked very pretty actually. brightened the place a bit.

on my way back to campus (like a 20 min walk) i decided to check out the catholic church on lancaster ave. i thought it'd be close to campus but, oh boy, it was quite a walk. don't get me wrong, it's a very nice suburbian neighborhood. very beautiful private houses, lawns, flowers, trees, that in itself is enough for my mind to swim away. it was a nice walk. maybe it seemed to be so far due to the rain, or the fact that i'm sore, i can't tell. the rain, and broody music on my ipod, the stress and emotional rollercoaster got to me and before i knew it i was fighting off tears. i just really miss home, and katya, and jocie, i'm kinda lonely, tired of fighting my habits and failing, of pride and unreasonable expectations. that combined with just simple beauty and i was done for.

i got better. my legs hurt though. later naya pissed me off <--nothing unusual about that. i worked on reasearch proposal for my experiment, i hope it came out ok. we'll see what my prof says. meanwhile, i have a meme that i've completed a day or two ago:

( meme. here comes the fun. )

 this is something i've had for a while. i haven't been updating my scribblings so i have lots of stuff that i haven't uploaded/typed up onto the computer. which basically means i have to rework everything in my notebook. but i think this one came out ok. it feels ok right now. tomorrow i'll prolly change it.

whatever.

( what am i? you ask, words tumbling out. say, well )

i pulled a naya today. wait for it *drum roll* i facebook stalked someone! i know i know *laughs* that was really bad of me. i am ashamed that i do not feel ashamed *snort*. i ought to feel ashamed.

i was listening to gimme gimme gimme (a man after midnight) by abba and at some parts i thought i was listening to madonna's hung up. what is it called when one artist "borrows" music from another artist or group? there's a term for that and i can't remember it now. well, for sure, madonna didn't borrow the dancing from abba. *quizzical look*

happy news: i rode my horse today!!!!! yay!!! it was very interesting. jc didn't run off with me on its back. but he was a bad boy. he kept on cutting the circle in order to get closer to the other horses, he would stop so i'd have to kick him (literally) and then... he pooped while walking. i mean, he could have stopped! *sigh* animals. jc is so lazy. annu has the theory that horses are just like their masters... which would make me lazy. i, of course, loudly disagree with that theory. if it was true, then that would mean annu is stubborn cause her horse is stubborn. ha! but jc liked the apple i gave him. of course, once he realized i had no more apples he promptly turned around and showed me his ass. hay is just so much more interesting than me, you know. i got a headache when i got home. too much excitement and nerves.

on a sadder note, today is 9/11. it's been years but it still feels as if it happened yesterday. it's still so painful.

i was all over the place today. i had two classes in the morning, then a meeting with a prof, then tabling for HSC in the involvement fair, the college ambassadors meeting (although the DID feed me... brownies were sooooo good) and then HNR meeting (<-- and that DID not put me in a good mood). now i am sitting in my room, a pile of newspapers in one corner, folders spread out on the floor, various notebooks lying open, bed unmade. yes, it is a madman's room. my planner is filled with things i have to do before the week is over. *sigh*

but abba can make anyone feel good. so, i'm treating myself to some abba right now because, well, why the hell not. i've made the mistake of actually attempting to figure out just what in the world do i want to do with my life. that's very dangerous thinking. of course, i got nowhere, except a few links to certain webpages, and a raging headache. somewhere along i thought to myself "why are you doing this. you should be studying for the test you have next week. or working on your homework. or making up all the reading you have piled up. or edit that spanish essay". or... lots of other things that are tiny bit more important than what i'll be doing 10 years from now. sad thing, none of these things are genuinly interesting. i have no problem thinking up the fun things i could potentially be doing. life is not fun.

but i had nice conversations today. sometimes life really is all about great conversations. if i ever choose to be with someone on some sort of pernament basis i hope we will have great conversations. if we don't, that will just suck, i'm going to be unhappy, and i'm going to make other ppl unhappy. great conversations today though, simply because people are, well not me. that's a good thing. if there were two of me running around, i'd go crazy.

abba is great.

certain ppl, i am not about to give names, mainly jocie, demanded i update this... thing. very well, i will. but why should i update my livejournal, when you don't ever update your own?!?! i understand the thing about phones, and not liking them, and never picking up... but where the hell is my letter?! and that excuse you gave me is not gonna fly young lady! i might understand your tardiness when i do receive the letter and read it, but i don't understand it now --> you are in trouble.

so let's see... what did i do? i got dressed today! i miss dylan. i'm sure it'll make some ppl happy but sometimes i hear a voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like dylan's. and there were other pressures. for example, i couldn't figure out where to eat. or, i've walked the campus up and down, traveling from one building to another. like a salesmen...err lady. ppl were staring at me. really, staring. i don't know why. i've went to bathroom 20 times today but i couldn't figure out what the hell the starting was about. 

although my roomies and i talk, i miss my talks with katya (+ naya). they were therapeutic. sort of. maybe because i could sort of maybe not really relate to katya. now i'm living with two extremely happy people. while that's great, i am not extremely happy myself. sometimes i'd like to brood about the complete bullshit life is with fellow person. i like brooding.

i went to a hypnotist show with annu farina naya and naya's friends. that was a lot of fun. i can't explain it. i'v never seen ppl get hypnotized before and it was hilarious, uncomfortable, intriguing and fun at the same time. that same weekend i've seen iron man. it was surprisingly good. robert downey jr. was v. v. sexy. did you know he was born on 4th of april. *cough cough*

i've went to the suart gallery to see michael angelo exhibition. that was interesting. in my hnr class i will write about 10 reviews for all the events that i will go to this semester. i shall post them here. i've been wallowing in art talk for the past week and a half. it's theater soon. then opera. then symphony. oh lord.

oh no! *clutches head* it's back again. schoooooool! my morning wasn't too spectacular. my alarm clock is a radio. i woke up to it playing, only to realize i should have woken up half an hour ago! i can leave my house within a half an hour. question is, do i want to? i wouldn't mind reading a newspaper, or listening to some news, or even talking to my roommates in the morning. note to self --> go to sleep early. also, i had this great plan. i told annu, let's skip school today. it's only the first day anyway, and nobody would notice and we wouldn't have missed too much of material. however, i was the only one with this ardent wish. i'm not about to go skipping school on my own either *chews fingernail* i'll figure something out. 

time warner is coming today. finally we'll get internet (our own internet might i stress). i gotta be home from 5-9pm. they're kinda restricting like that. oh well, can't live without it, can i?