in my barbaric tongue

what a weekend has it been. gone.

2008-10-01T17:41:34Z

friday we went skating, that is, annu jeremy and i have. luana and ernest left early. i was so proud of annu because she's getting so much better at it. although i thought we were supposed to be skating to old rock hits... instead a radio was playing. skating was fun regardless but why would you promote an event that you're not going to keep? weird. i had a great time and i want to go skating again. soon. ^_^

jeremy is spending more time with us which is how it is supposed to be. on tuesday, sept. 23rd we went to hear ishmael beah, the author of a long way gone: memoirs of a boy soldier, speak. it was a very interesting lecture, if "lecture" is what you want to term it. he was entertaining, witty, brilliant actually. he kept everyone entertaining and we all paid attention to him. it was not what i expected although i don't exactly know what i was expecting. after all, a man who survived a war, worse, was a boy soldier himself, that's gotta mess one up. how do people cope? lectures like that raise very difficult questions i can't imagine answering.

on the other hand i've been running all over campus. it seems like it. didn't do so good on my science exams. it's weird. i enjoy them, i like hearing and learning about proteins and dna. but then i get the exam paper and i'm like wtf? i thought i was a good test taker but faced with this evidence i must say that i am *not* a test taker. which really confuses me. oh well.

performance anxiety. desaparecidos.

2008-09-17T04:21:51Z

i got to talk to jocie today. it appeased the need for a few hours. then it came back. *sigh* i don't know why i am so needy right now.

i'm studying right now. well, not studying right now, obviously. the plan was to study, which i am, however, my eyes starting itching and there's a limit to how much i can read about proteins in one sitting. taking a bit of a break. i have a bio exam on friday. perhaps i have a performance anxiety; almost like a erectile dysfunction, nobody cares about it but me. hmmmph. i might work on my paper for HNR. i think i know where i'm going with it, only, i need to actually write it. that's prolly the hardest part of writing a paper --> actually writing it.

this semester turns out to be a bit different. maybe it's just me (<-- of course it's me. who else?). i feel so separated from everyone. i miss people something terrible, they don't even know how much. it's hard to even talk to them what with their own schedules, my crappy sprint connection (i don't have service in my apartment). just this sunday i called my brother, but he was busy, my parents were expecting guests. i called my mother and got to talk to her maybe half an hour. jocie and i have phone tag most of the time. the problem is not even with talking to people, only that when we talk, it's not enough for me. not anymore. i don't know why. this need to be in touch constantly is just overwhelming sometimes.

on the other hand, i started my job with Literacy Corps. i'm working at the same site i worked last semester. some of the kids are new, some i've already met. learning names is always an experience. it's was nice to go back. this summer, if i do stay in syracuse, perhaps i'll be able to volunteer over the summer, if not full time then part time. wow. i'm already thinking about the summer, the semester hasn't even finished yet. getting a bit too ahead of myself.

g to earth then. today i went to one of the syracuse symposium lectures. the theme this year is migration. two speakers were presenting today. paula luttringer and margarita drago. both ladies were imprisoned during the argentine military dictatorship in the 70s. luttringer is a argentine photographer and memorialist of violence. she spoke about her work as an visual artist. drago is a professor of spanish language and literature at the york college. she's also a memoirist, and author of Memory Tracks: Fragments from Prison 1975-1980. the lecture had been intense, i must say. the history of the desaparecidos is a daunting one. so many are still missing, although it has been years since the dictatorship. how do you deal with that kind of pain and fear? do you forget? yet, to forget such violence is to allow it to happen again.

do you forgive?

a short film about love. weekend sum.

2008-09-15T02:56:13Z

the weekend came and went. i had plans, most of which didn't fall through. that's not unusual though. spend the saturday reading some hp, which did not help the thoughts of loneliness. but they were very well written, and sometimes, i girl likes to enjoy a very well written slash. even if the sex doesn't come until the v.v. end. but it's a quality story that i shall not feel guilty about.

then i spend my time on unraveling... yes, unraveling (if that's the correct term to use right here) the hp scarf i made years back, and the scarf i've made yesterday. i'm planning on reworking them. the hp scarf is an obvious reason, as it was overly big, overly wide, and it had an inside/outside quality. i'm planning on making it smaller, so it doesn't quite choke you, and with no sides. you'll see it eventually (aka, when i'm done. i can't say when that will be). the other scarf, i want to get rid of the inside/outside quality of the scarf. i still plan on giving it out to charity or something once i'm done, but that doesn't mean it can't be quality job.

i did some hw for bio and spa. not enough work to ease my eternal guilt of procrastination but enough to appease my conscious self. <-- that, as we know, doesn't last that long. then i watched a movie called "camera buff" by krzysztof kieslowski. it was interesting. i think jerzy stuhr, the main actor, is a genius highly worthy of all the praise he receives. the movie was good.

sunday, i went to church. biked for like 10 min (and realized just how out of shape i am). but biking was fun in itself. i haven't been on a bike for YEARS and... well one just does not forget it. you get on it, and you pedal away. then your legs start to give, that's a whole different story. later on sunday my roommates and i went swimming. it's was awesome despite the fact that *i* can't swim. still liked the water. i was missing that over the summer.

came back home, and ate dinner. did some more hw. i do have bio test on friday. i also watched the other movie that was lying on my shelf for few weeks now. this one is also by kieslowski. it's called "a short story about love" and it has become one of my favorite movies. it's incredibly complex. there isn't that much dialogue but the acting is up to par. the movie is incredibly painful, especially tomek, the main character who is very odd <-- keyword, odd, struck something in me. i was thinking the other day just how difficult it must be for kids in orphanages. and then i am watching a movie (by coincidence really) about a boy/man from orphanage who can't quite deal with the emotions involving being in love. the movie made me really uncomfortable at some parts, enough that i had to pause the movie to collect myself. that hasn't happened in a long time.

proposal. god my legs hurt.

2008-09-13T04:12:55Z

i was... in a very interesting place today. mentally i mean. i went to class, and i must say, i surprise myself here because *wait for it* i actually stay awake *wonder*. perhaps it's because i've been getting sleep, or it might be a fluke, who knows, but it feels good. what doesn't feel good is all that reading i STILL haven't done. it actually scares me a bit.

back to the mental place. so, after classes [i had bio and then spanish. i had fun in spanish today. we were learning about accents] i went to the farmers market with annu. it was raining pretty bad and i had no umbrella. met sarah [the girl that gives us a lift on thursdays to the riding center aka the place where i get to ride jc] and talked for a while. we didn't buy any fruits or vegetables, but we bought flowers. i went home, annu went to class. i put the flowers into the glass vase. they looked very pretty actually. brightened the place a bit.

on my way back to campus (like a 20 min walk) i decided to check out the catholic church on lancaster ave. i thought it'd be close to campus but, oh boy, it was quite a walk. don't get me wrong, it's a very nice suburbian neighborhood. very beautiful private houses, lawns, flowers, trees, that in itself is enough for my mind to swim away. it was a nice walk. maybe it seemed to be so far due to the rain, or the fact that i'm sore, i can't tell. the rain, and broody music on my ipod, the stress and emotional rollercoaster got to me and before i knew it i was fighting off tears. i just really miss home, and katya, and jocie, i'm kinda lonely, tired of fighting my habits and failing, of pride and unreasonable expectations. that combined with just simple beauty and i was done for.

i got better. my legs hurt though. later naya pissed me off <--nothing unusual about that. i worked on reasearch proposal for my experiment, i hope it came out ok. we'll see what my prof says. meanwhile, i have a meme that i've completed a day or two ago:

1.Your Name: g

2. Age: 21

3. How old do you feel?: v.v. 17

4. Favourite Movie: le fabuleux destin d'amélie poulain

5. Favourite Song: abba - lay all your love on me

6. Favourite Band/Artist: rbd

7. Dirty or Clean: clean most of the time

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings: neither

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Would you rather bite off a piece of a live person's flesh, or ride a giant maggot through New York City? maggot... whatever it is.

2. What's your philosophy on life? honesty

3. Do you prefer physical fights or verbal fights? both. unless you are like 4 times my size then i'll stick with the verbal fight.

4. Do you like keeping secrets or telling them? keeping

5. Had any strange dreams/hallucinations lately? when don't i have strange daydreams? this time they DO NOT involve hp. but there's japan. hmmmm.

6. What's your favorite kind of chocolate? any is good. although i do prefer milky chocolate.

7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: i need to sleep under a heavy blanket/duvet. i don't like to sleep uncovered, or under a light blanket. it just doesn't feel... right.

8. What's your guilty-pleasure kink? hp. i love reading it, but then i get so guilty about the time i have wasted reading it. it never lasts long enough, ^_^ since i keep on reading it anyways.

9. Can you cook (and if so, what do you like to cook?). i guess i do. nothing too complicated, unless you have a death wish. then we can arrange something.

10. What is your view on Chuck Norris? well, he's a guy. successful one i must say.

11. What was your first online persona? i never really made up one. unless you count oryssa, and i just needed to lie about my age to get to some...websites.

12. Do you think you're a good person? good? yes. nice? no.

13. Would you drive across country with me? errrrr...

14. What do you find attractive? hands. lips. shoulders. ass.

15. If you could star in a porno, what would happen in it? i don't know really. since i find the idea of a threesome... appealing, i most likely would star in one myself.

16. What do you wear to sleep? pjs and when its really cold (which is most of the time in farmland) i also sleep in my r.r. fluffy bathrobe

17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out? i do it all the time

18. If we went on a date, what do you think would happen? we would talk and get carried away, and forget we were supposed to be shy, and all that romatic crap.

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? we would eat. i'll miss food once i'm dead. we'd and listen to some music. and talk.

20. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you? yes.

what am i? well.

2008-09-12T01:44:50Z

this is something i've had for a while. i haven't been updating my scribblings so i have lots of stuff that i haven't uploaded/typed up onto the computer. which basically means i have to rework everything in my notebook. but i think this one came out ok. it feels ok right now. tomorrow i'll prolly change it.

whatever.

What am I? you ask, words tumbling out. say, well

I am

a leaf carried by wind

on the palm of her hand

like a blueberry cupcake with

a cup of green tea

I am a presence, a reflection in a puddle

after a summer storm

I am a drop of humid air

hanging below the clouds

I have no home, ready to jump.

I am

A piece of mud under your shoe

jc was a bad boy. headache.

2008-09-12T01:34:52Z

i pulled a naya today. wait for it *drum roll* i facebook stalked someone! i know i know *laughs* that was really bad of me. i am ashamed that i do not feel ashamed *snort*. i ought to feel ashamed.

i was listening to gimme gimme gimme (a man after midnight) by abba and at some parts i thought i was listening to madonna's hung up. what is it called when one artist "borrows" music from another artist or group? there's a term for that and i can't remember it now. well, for sure, madonna didn't borrow the dancing from abba. *quizzical look*

happy news: i rode my horse today!!!!! yay!!! it was very interesting. jc didn't run off with me on its back. but he was a bad boy. he kept on cutting the circle in order to get closer to the other horses, he would stop so i'd have to kick him (literally) and then... he pooped while walking. i mean, he could have stopped! *sigh* animals. jc is so lazy. annu has the theory that horses are just like their masters... which would make me lazy. i, of course, loudly disagree with that theory. if it was true, then that would mean annu is stubborn cause her horse is stubborn. ha! but jc liked the apple i gave him. of course, once he realized i had no more apples he promptly turned around and showed me his ass. hay is just so much more interesting than me, you know. i got a headache when i got home. too much excitement and nerves.

on a sadder note, today is 9/11. it's been years but it still feels as if it happened yesterday. it's still so painful.

oh lord. meetings all over the campus.

2008-09-11T03:24:46Z

i was all over the place today. i had two classes in the morning, then a meeting with a prof, then tabling for HSC in the involvement fair, the college ambassadors meeting (although the DID feed me... brownies were sooooo good) and then HNR meeting (<-- and that DID not put me in a good mood). now i am sitting in my room, a pile of newspapers in one corner, folders spread out on the floor, various notebooks lying open, bed unmade. yes, it is a madman's room. my planner is filled with things i have to do before the week is over. *sigh*

but abba can make anyone feel good. so, i'm treating myself to some abba right now because, well, why the hell not. i've made the mistake of actually attempting to figure out just what in the world do i want to do with my life. that's very dangerous thinking. of course, i got nowhere, except a few links to certain webpages, and a raging headache. somewhere along i thought to myself "why are you doing this. you should be studying for the test you have next week. or working on your homework. or making up all the reading you have piled up. or edit that spanish essay". or... lots of other things that are tiny bit more important than what i'll be doing 10 years from now. sad thing, none of these things are genuinly interesting. i have no problem thinking up the fun things i could potentially be doing. life is not fun.

but i had nice conversations today. sometimes life really is all about great conversations. if i ever choose to be with someone on some sort of pernament basis i hope we will have great conversations. if we don't, that will just suck, i'm going to be unhappy, and i'm going to make other ppl unhappy. great conversations today though, simply because people are, well not me. that's a good thing. if there were two of me running around, i'd go crazy.

abba is great.

it's me again. cranky.

2008-09-10T00:58:42Z

certain ppl, i am not about to give names, mainly jocie, demanded i update this... thing. very well, i will. but why should i update my livejournal, when you don't ever update your own?!?! i understand the thing about phones, and not liking them, and never picking up... but where the hell is my letter?! and that excuse you gave me is not gonna fly young lady! i might understand your tardiness when i do receive the letter and read it, but i don't understand it now --> you are in trouble.

so let's see... what did i do? i got dressed today! i miss dylan. i'm sure it'll make some ppl happy but sometimes i hear a voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like dylan's. and there were other pressures. for example, i couldn't figure out where to eat. or, i've walked the campus up and down, traveling from one building to another. like a salesmen...err lady. ppl were staring at me. really, staring. i don't know why. i've went to bathroom 20 times today but i couldn't figure out what the hell the starting was about.

although my roomies and i talk, i miss my talks with katya (+ naya). they were therapeutic. sort of. maybe because i could sort of maybe not really relate to katya. now i'm living with two extremely happy people. while that's great, i am not extremely happy myself. sometimes i'd like to brood about the complete bullshit life is with fellow person. i like brooding.

i went to a hypnotist show with annu farina naya and naya's friends. that was a lot of fun. i can't explain it. i'v never seen ppl get hypnotized before and it was hilarious, uncomfortable, intriguing and fun at the same time. that same weekend i've seen iron man. it was surprisingly good. robert downey jr. was v. v. sexy. did you know he was born on 4th of april. *cough cough*

i've went to the suart gallery to see michael angelo exhibition. that was interesting. in my hnr class i will write about 10 reviews for all the events that i will go to this semester. i shall post them here. i've been wallowing in art talk for the past week and a half. it's theater soon. then opera. then symphony. oh lord.

first day of school is. first.

2008-08-26T12:49:24Z

school has started. nothing terribly exciting. i haven't decided if that's a good thing or not. i woke up early (and i can see this is going to become a pattern); not that i really wanted to, but i was up at 7:30 yesterday AND today. terribly shocking. terribly. terribly. terribly. first class was ok. i have a will to improve myself, especially from last semester's organic chem. huh! i'll see it when it happens. yes, i genuinely want to do better in this class. after all that is my major right there. i have a chem class today too. this one will be quite different. i don't know how i'm going to handle chemistry for 80 minutes straight every tuesday and thursday. i just might die a little.

second class yesterday was interesting. there was a bit of confusion with the rooms, but bowne hall can do that to people. i was in the right place. the professor wasn't. we found each other. spanish. it's a very small class. 12 ppl, max. but the prof was very nice. this class, i have a feeling, i'm going to like it. a lot. but i am going to hate it, too. writing can do that. especially, looking over the freaking syllabus, can i say, errrrrr? that is a lot of writing. and speaking. in a language i am not really not that good at. *blinks*

i went home. read the newspaper(s). watched the movie that i placed a hold on. then watched another movie online. met farina's parents. the internet cable guy came. --> i must say though. finally! we have internet, our own internet, now. the password is crazy and i hope i don't ever have to enter it cause that's just gonna take forever. <-- and then i watched another movie. i was supposed to do homework, but i don't have the books yet. i feel kinda guilty though. i mean, one movie is fine. THREE?!!??!?! i could have read a book. or knitted. or danced even. you know, done something productive. cleaned the damn house (although i did take out the trash yesterday). cleaned my room. organized the receipts. the list just goes on. *hangs head*

i watched duze zwierze, a mi madre le gustan las mujeres, and dance with me. duze zwierze was very sweet but so sad. a mi madre le gustan las mujeres was very funny. and dance with me made me a bit nostalgic. i've seen that movie when i was little.

this totally sucks. waking up.

2008-08-25T12:47:18Z

oh no! *clutches head* it's back again. schoooooool! my morning wasn't too spectacular. my alarm clock is a radio. i woke up to it playing, only to realize i should have woken up half an hour ago! i can leave my house within a half an hour. question is, do i want to? i wouldn't mind reading a newspaper, or listening to some news, or even talking to my roommates in the morning. note to self --> go to sleep early. also, i had this great plan. i told annu, let's skip school today. it's only the first day anyway, and nobody would notice and we wouldn't have missed too much of material. however, i was the only one with this ardent wish. i'm not about to go skipping school on my own either *chews fingernail* i'll figure something out.

time warner is coming today. finally we'll get internet (our own internet might i stress). i gotta be home from 5-9pm. they're kinda restricting like that. oh well, can't live without it, can i?

brother. gone.

2008-07-30T16:58:07Z

the thing with my brother using my computer is that occasionally my favorites disappear. i mean, what's up with that? that never happens when *i* use my computer! argh.

also, this week is sent from hell. i work five days straight, including friday. i have never worked friday since i started working there. *big question mark* what?

dreams upon dreams. little progress.

2008-06-16T02:10:49Z

nothing new is happening. kicia is still kicia, work is still work. my grandparents visited today. we all know how i feel about that. all things considered i must say it was a mild visit. i mean, grandfather did drive my mother up the wall, but this time, at least, the conversation didn't involve purifying the world in the name of jesus. 'cause you know, all non-christians should die *headache ensues*. such crap kills the few brain cells that i have left.

if that didn't make me dumb, then watching talladega nights definitely did make me dumb. what was i thinking?

i've been thinking a lot, rethinking certain things, which doesn't necessarily mean i elucidate anything new. my mind has been going in circles, reevaluating.

anyone watched the EURO 2008 turkey vs check republic game? what happened? god, it must be painful for check rep. right now. it was either them or turkey. poor sods.

meme. make that two.

2008-06-07T03:05:20Z

i had an interesting day today. it was borderline good. i went to the dentist (not good news there) went to the bank (better) and cooked dinner (best). i guess the thing that makes this day so *good* was that i actually did something of tangible value. i could say, "i did this and this today..." instead of waking up late, barely cleaning anything up, and spending the day reading old fics.

white birdy java came over today. the kitty slept on her neck. i guess the kitty was drawn to the birdy. *laughs* we went to the park and talked. it was... so familiar. ^_^

reading list has progressed but not much. i'm still stuck on dan brown. but i read the children on troublemaker street by astrid lindgren (original title barnen på bråkmakargatan) and unbelievable adventures of marek piegus by edmund niziurski (original title niewiarygodne przygody marka piegusa). progress!!

1. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
Kraga

2. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal!)
Red Dog

3. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Diana Kolbuszowa

4. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Grey Seltzer Water

5. ALIEN NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Gaec

6. GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Pistachio Ahoy!

7. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pets name, current street name).
Malinka Metropolitan

8. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Fantasy Jelly Rancher

i should do something interesting this sunday. i don't know yet what it is i want to do. tomorrow on the other hand i'll spend daydreaming about my hubby *laughs*. yeah.

You.

Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.

1. Yourself:
swirl

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse):
impossible

3. Your hair:
mouse

4. Your mother:
feminine

5. Your Father:
mute

6. Your Favorite Item:
chester

7. Your dream last night:
murder

8. Your Favorite drink:
water

9. Your Dream Car:
black

10. The room you are in:
messy

11. Your Ex:
incompatible

12. Your fear:
loneliness

13. What you want to be in 10 years?
wiser

14. Who you hung out with last night?
kitty

15. What You're Not?
nice

16. Muffins:
pass

17. One of Your Wish List Items:
soundtrack

18. Time:
gone

19. The Last Thing You Did:
touch

20. What You Are Wearing:
pjs

21. Your Favorite Weather:
summer

22. Your Favorite Book:
musierowicz

23. The Last Thing You Ate:
sandwich

24. Your Life:
private

25. Your Mood:
unpredictable

26. Your best friend:
troubled

27. What are you thinking about right now?
food

28. Your car:
maybe

29. What are you doing at the moment?
waking

30. Your summer:
quick

31. Your relationship status:
waiting

32. What is on your TV?
remote

33. What is the weather like?
warm

34. When is the last time you laughed?
yesterday

did i mention: EURO 2008 anyone?? *woot woot*

dye job. and new shoes.

2008-05-30T02:54:37Z

well well. last few days were... almost awesome. almost, because nothing fabulous can last long enough.

yesterday i got to see desolatemusings. *woot woot* it was not an extensively planned visit at all. for her it was a business visit and although i had to cut the fabulousness short because i had work that afternoon, i got to lunch with her. yay! we got to spend some time together. it was great. we went to a russian restaurant called Uncle Vanya. it was a very nice place, with wonderful atmosphere and authentic russian food. this definately was something new for me for i have never eaten in a russian restaurant before. sorry White Birdy Jave *wink wink* but i think you were in school and couldn't join us. at least, i *think* you were in school.

while in manhattan, i stopped by the library to pick up my holds. *dies* i heart that place. they are so freakin' convenient. AND i got to pick up the CDs i've been wanting to listen to for a long time. guess what i am doing now? ^_^ yup yup. listening to them.

work that day was extra tiring. the manager forgot to put the AC on so it was super hot in the pharmacy. one customer particularly gave me a hard time. *sigh* such are people.

today was not as exciting. perhaps, it's safe to say it was exciting on a different level. i went shopping with my sister. she bought herself (with my money) high heals. i must say, they are really sexy shoes. *i* bought sandals (how boring). but to compensate for the lack of luster in my purchases i bought a set of bracelets. oh well, they should come handy this saturday evening. the whole time i spend bickering with my sister. we began with accusations of who is whining more (which she did, complaining about getting hit in gym with a soccer ball, argh! wimp). anyhoo. but we managed to eat pizza in amiable atmosphere, conversing about... men. well, boys, for they are not men.

and she dyed my hair. medium brown or something to that effect. so, yeah, my hair is definitely darker. tomorrow i'll work on that tan so that i will not shock anyone on saturday with my whiteness.

i spent the rest of the evening doing my sister's and my nails. how... kind of me. it was fun. who knew?

can't feel my legs. my eyes.

2008-05-26T01:10:37Z

i've worked 10 hours today. 10 hours of standing at a register, ringing people, counting dinero... 10 hours of STANDING up. i hurt. and the cool thing is that tomorrow i am working 8 hours. 8 hours of standing at a register, ringing people, counting dinero... 8 hours of STANDING up. it can't possibly be worth it, right? i have no idea what i would do if i couldn't be able to daydream. mmmm. die of boredom? but in all seriousness, it's good to work. well, maybe possibly not on sundays. but it feels good to work.

malinka was so cute today when i got home. usually she bites me and scratches me (not my brother or anyone else, oh no). i guess that's what i get for playing roughly with her. but today she licked me and sniffed me and then... didn't bite. that was unusual. ^_^ here is a pic of baby malinka.

went shopping with my mother on friday. guess what i bought? yup. you got it. i bought winter jackets. *cackles* yeah, no, i didn't buy actual summer clothes but winter wear. awesome. ^_^ on the other hand, got to spend some mindless shopping time with mom. you know, the one where you talk about mundane things and there's no tension or anything. it's quite enjoyable. only, i wore this pair of shoes that totally hurt my feet. now i have blisters on nearly every toe.

on saturday i was supposed to go the moma. but! daily tasks (like laundry) derailed me . so i didn't go. that's ok. i'll go next sunday (if i am not too hungover).

here is a pic of malinka sleeping. guess where?

kicia is biting cables. faceslap

2008-05-23T18:05:50Z

oki, so it is an update, as consulted with desolatemusings. i am a bad bad bad girl when it comes to updates. but times are such *snort* that, i guess, one is a must. but i foresee that will be a difficult task with malina walking over my keyboard, biting my toes... what in the world has possessed my family to actually get a cat? especially a suicidal cat? for the cat seems to have a death wish, biting all the cables in the house, INCLUDING chester's charger. i won't be surprised when i'll come home from work one day to find it electrocuted or something equally disgusting. and saddening. truly, malinka is a nice cat. a bit lively, perhaps too lively but very social. we have some pics lying around. i'll post them once i'll find them.

so what have i been up to since the end of school year? *ponders* FREEDOM!!!!!!!!! well, more or less freedom. my grades came in the mail today. eek.

i've been obsessing over rebelde *dies* i heart youtube. it's a pretty good telenovela. i cannot believe at the amount of slang i've picked up already. neta. and it makes me wanna speak spanish, it makes me wanna go to mexico, it makes me wanna do...err nvm. in addition to the telenovela i've also picked up listening to RBD, laura pausini, los apson and others... mmmmm. so, i've been doing that.

this week i've read bridget jones's diary by helen fielding. i had up and down relationship with that book. one day i loved it, the next i hated it. but i got through it. initially my thoughts were "women like that don't exist". right? but then i remembered naya and i thought "$&#! i'm friends with a woman like that. what the hell am i doing?!"

speaking of naya... i wonder how's london.

i'm working at the same place i've worked last summer. for now i'm working fewer hours, but that's ok with me. i seem to need a lot more rest than normal. work is just like it was last summer: lots of counting $, lots of rude people, lots of standing up for hours. intellectual thinking? zero. j/k. it's kinda amazing how easily i slipped into the routine. i came to work, and although the people have changed, it feels as if those 9 months of school haven't happened. it is a good feeling.

later i'm going shopping with my mom. should be fun.

ee cummings. body.

2007-08-13T03:05:05Z

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh.... And eyes big love-crumbs

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

i went to nj today. it was an interesting visit. jocie went we us so i got to see her and talk to her and just pacify my frenzied mind. ^_^ tomorrow will be busy enough. i guess going-back-to-syracuse is real enough. *sigh*

young collins queen. princes of the universe.

2007-08-12T03:57:21Z

i am sitting on the floor, drinking okocim and listening to music. my brother is playing his game drinking beer as well. mom is busy in the kitchen and dad is in and out (he's taken some super responsibility in our building, something he shouldn't have done and something no one could dissuade him from). there are two unpacked laundry bags next to me, some crackers on the table, jelly ranchers and paper. it's a good feeling. i don't know why i am feeling giddy; is it because i am glad to be done with work and to have some sort of break today? or perhaps it's the fact that i am not working tomorrow? or that i will (hopefully) get to see jocie tmrrw? or that i am going to nj to visit my uncle? who knows. it's something.

the queen song 'princes of the universe' really got to me this time. i've seen the highlander oh sooooooo long ago that i want to see it again. i completely don't remember what the movie is about except the bare idea of the plot and some fragmented images that i am able to recall. at the same time i know that if i do indulge in this... urge, i will be stuck with another hp. there is SO much highlander fic out there (i'm assuming that the tv show is somewhat like the movie). so the track list for today is... alternative/80s. i so completely blame my boss for it. anthony has a thing for alternative... the only radio that he allows is the satellite radio Sirius 22. i know lyrics to songs that i have no idea i would be singing along to.

paul young - come back and stay
dramarama - anything anything
midnight oil - beds are burnin'
yazoo - only you
alphaville - forever young
and a lot of depeche mode, REM,

mixed with
moby - extreme ways
edwin collins - a girl like you
edwin starr - war
queen - prince of the universe
SOAD - metro, it's a cover of berlin's song, but i like this version much better.

AND
chubby checker - let's twist again

yah, so i don't know why i am in such a good mood. but i am... and i am not gonna do anything about it. my secret to happiness? snape. yes, snape. hp universe + muggle + snape + mary sue + sleep = very happy gabby indeed. now, YOU figure that one and i assure you it is not the beer talking. i love my mind, it is such a confusing, weird, random place, it almost feels like home and imagination is the key to the gate.

WRATH
1. who did you last get angry with? some customer who was either rude, annoying, or didn't have his or her money/ was looking for the money for good 5 minutes.

2. what is your weapon of choice? guilt. i make the other person feel guilty by either listing how good i was about the situation or how much "effort" i have put in. also, belittling people with my (so called) intelligence to keep the person away from me. works every single time.
3. would you hit a member of the opposite sex? yes, if the situation calls for it.
4. how about of the same sex? yes, if they deserve it. naya... my threats about slapping you are real, you know. ^_^
5. who was the last person that got really angry at you? prolly a customer. maybe my bro. but most likely it was me who got mad at myself.
6. what is your pet peeve? when people say the same thing over and over. i mean, i heard you the first time, now shut the fuck up and go stand in the corner.
7. do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? i so forget. i am intense anger intense nothing five minutes later. i completely don't remember what was the deal about. ^_^

SLOTH
1. what is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? exercise my eyes, read, and call/e-mail ppl.

2. what is the latest you've ever woken up? somewhere around 2pm. it's hard to sleep late in my house because there are certain people who wake up at 6 every freaking day and insist on making noise, sometimes deliberate sometimes not.
3. name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: zac. naya. aileen. isabel. way too many people.
4. what is the last lame excuse you've made? my lame excuses make me feel guilty. if i make a good ass excuse even i believe it.
5. have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? no but i've come close.
6. when was the last time you got a good workout in? sometime in early spring semester before lulu drop me for ernest. or rather how she would say it, before i refused to go to gym with her at ungodly hours. either one is fine.

7. how many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? since i use my cell phone as my alarm clock usually i just wake up holding it in my hand not remembering how it got there.

GLUTTONY
1. what is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? i don't know. some of the water, larger ones, are so freaking expensive.

2. meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? white meat.
3. what is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? a whole bottle of wine minus half a glass *wink jocie wink*. or like 10 shots of vodka through out an evening.
4. have you ever used a professional diet company? are you kidding? there's not many pounds i could lose and still live. *horrified*

5. do you have an issue with your weight? not really, if skinny is your thing then i am good. but i'd like to gain some weight to cover those bones *pokes* they really stand out.
6. do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? it depends what i feel like... but sweets are good.

7. have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? no. i was hungry at times but not that hungry.

LUST
1. how many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? does porn fall under of movies? if not, then lots. in real life? two, i guess... although, i hope that whoever wrote this realizes that you don't have to be naked to have sex. simple pants down can do...

2. how many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? two. if you asked how many people felt me up... now that's different.
3. have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? yes. i don't even have to talk to them to stare. sometimes i'd be walking down the street randomly and just stare... at those places. like my job... i check out people indiscriminately. although sometimes my eyes stray while my thought don't make the circuit so it isn't sexual at all.

4. have you "done it"? no. if you mean vaginal intercourse.
5. what is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? back, scalp, back of the neck, hipbones, navel, hands.

6. have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? no.
7. have you ever had to get tested for an std or pregnancy? no. never was in such dire situation.

GREED
1. how many credit cards do you own? none. thank god for my capricorn. it knocks some sense into me.
2. what's your guilty pleasure? hp fanfic. if feel guilty ever time i "waste"my time on it. it's ok to escape but i do extreme.
3. if you had $1 million, what would you do with it? pay for school, pay for my sibling's school, make sure my parents are well off and half of the rest goes to help people, half goes on "black hour" and lesser pleasures (books, movies, music...).

4. would you rather be rich or famous? neither. i rather be well off, with a few good friends, family that's not lacking, and helping people.

5. would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? no. that's not what i went to college for.

6. have you ever stolen anything? yeah, but those were little inconsequential things. it goes against my honesty/guilt. damn capricorn. funny things. the one time that i was there when we caught someone stealing in the store, i was so ashamed... and it wasn't me who was stealing.
7. how many mp3's are on your hard drive? a lot. and a lot more divided amongst cds and different computers. but it never is enough is it.

PRIDE
1. what one thing have you done that you're most proud of? of the fact that i have those few wonderful people in my life regardless of the odds. and of the fact that everyday seems like a major turning point in my life. it's quite entertaining.
2. what one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? i don't really know. i guess they're happy i am my own person even if they did want me to be more like other kids.
3. what thing would you like to accomplish in your life? to be my own person through and through, no matter how lonely it gets, how difficult it gets, how contained it will have to be. it won't be easy. i'd like to never forget who i am and where i come from, at the same time never lose the picture of what is ahead of me.
4. do you get annoyed by coming in second place? yes. but it depends what we're talking about. school? career? i can live in the shadow of other people, in fact, i don't mind being an assistant and helper and not the organizer the leader, because these people are the backbone. in love? in love i come first or i don't come at all. whatever kind of love we're talking about.
5. have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? if i did, it was never spelled out like that.
6. have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? no. i can lie to other people, but lying to myself is out of question. if i cheat, i am lying to myself, and *i* know i am lying to myself.
7. what did you do today that you're proud of? went to work, made iliana laugh, talked to my bro and realized just how important he is to me.

ENVY
1. what item (or person) of your friend's would you most want to have for your own? it's not the material things i want.
2. who would you want to go on "trading spaces" with? why would i do that? no matter how dysfunctional my family is rather good. my life is rather ordinary.

3. if you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? i don't want to be anyone else. it's interesting as it is.
4. have you ever been cheated on? depends on the angle you look at it from. i felt cheated. but was i? i doubt the person thought she was cheating.
5. have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? yes! with acne, bones, poor eyesight, small boobs, smelly feet and bad breath? yes... but i gave up those things long ago. and it got better.
6. what trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? foresight, coherency and clarity (thoughts and verbal).

7. do you wish you'd come up with this survey? no.
8. finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? um, i don't have a favorite. but i think envy missed the point with me. i am envious, but the questions didn't bring that out in me.

i am munching on jelly ranchers. the end of summer.

2007-08-10T02:33:20Z

today was... long. i am tempted to say it was unproductive, it certainly seems so. but, of course, going to work does not fall into the productive category, neither is eating.. talk about contradiction.

so, what were the productive things that i did... lemme think. well, i sent my sister a care package. she went away for a youth camp for a month. she's volunteering/working over there, so she needed some work clothes. the camp is by lake champion in glen spey, new york. quite an isolate area i gather, so i also sent her some candy... ok, quite a lot candy. i bought a whole bag of jelly ranchers. since she and my bro have an affinity for them i split the bag in half and left some at home. i really really really like the apple flavor.

then i went to work early. work was extremely boring. i say that deliberately, because freaking GT (delivery) didn't show up, so all the stock boys had nothing to do. and when the stock boys have nothing to do, they do stuff that WE do... it sucked. monique left early too. my bro was devastated. well, he wouldn't use that word, but rather, bummed out. same difference. i feel ambivalent about it, because it was i who pointed out to him that he had a crush on monique. perhaps i shouldn't have considering that she is trying to find a new job and most likely will quit soon.

working on stomach pain is never good. the problem is that i've been having stomach pains on and off for quite a while. i don't take pain killers unless i really can't function with the pain, so i let it pass by itself. well, i can work with that kind of pain when i am by myself, reading or studying, but freaking dealing with obnoxious people is not fun on pain or without pain. it was not fun today.

i was thinking about the end of the summer, because it is coming up. i should start packing, shopping, gathering shit and generally preparing for the day until i leave... for some reason though i keep on putting it off. obviously i don't have much time left, but it seems like i do: i have books to read and i have places to go and people to see. *sigh* i am ready to go and at the same time i am not. i can't believe that just not that long ago i was barely out of high school and getting ready to go to college. now i am going to be there for a second year, and then third, and then fourth. the idea of the passage of time really hit me this month. i want to resist it, i don't want to comply with it, and it beats me every single time. time never listens.. the happy moments don't last long enough, and the bad moments insist on lurking on the edges of my mind, never really going away.

here's a poem by thomas moore (1779-1852) "oft, in the stilly night"

Oft, in the stilly night,
Ere slumber's chain has bound me,
Fond memory brings the light
Of other days around me;
The smiles, the tears,
Of boyhood's years,
The words of love then spoken;
The eyes that shone,
Now dimm'd and gone,
The cheerful hearts now broken!
Thus, in the stilly night,
Ere slumber's chain hath bound me,
Sad memory brings the light
Of other days around me.

When I remember all
The friends, so link'd together,
I've seen around me fall,
Like leaves in wintry weather;
I feel like one
Who treads alone
Some banquet-hall deserted,
Whose lights are fled,
Whose garlands dead,
And all but he departed!
Thus, in the stilly night,
Ere slumber's chain has bound me,
Sad memory brings the light
Of other days around me.

but i must say that the highlight of the day happened when i found out that dad went to court today because he was involved in a fight. this fight occurred three months ago, and dad kept quiet on it. dad is something special sometimes.

it's quite late. highlight of the day.

2007-08-06T04:10:41Z

i shouldn't even be on the computer today, i have many other things to do. i've actually made a list of things to do, but as my lists go, i have zero discipline and nothing get ever done. sometimes i think i should give up but then if i don't write these things i don't even realize that they should be done. talking about missing the deadlines. i will probably be the person who forgets that they have to pay the rent... what? it's the first of the month? i could have sworn it was the 16th. oh, well, i'll just pay with my car and this way i will never ever have more than $500 on my account.

i called annu today, which is the highlight of the day. it really is. i went to the park, sat on the grass amidst these little white flowers (i really don't know what they are called in english) and talked to her for an hour. then i realized i should have just enjoyed the nature a bit more, but a voice inside told me that as weird as i am sitting in the park alone surrounded by all these laughing and talking people would have been a bit uncomfortable for me. this way i enjoyed my friend, which in the end, i think, cancels not enjoying nature. it's kinda hard to enjoy nature in nyc. it's not like we don't have trees or grass, but it isn't enough. always you have to settle for less, and make do with what you have. enjoy what you have, not matter how little it is.

i've also have had a resurfacing of my less than kind emotions, i don't know how i stopped myself in time. again, zero discipline. i really should work on that. as it is, i am really tempted to clear my facebook relationship status (which, is not so evil and hurtful) but i think i should just stick with being single and stop saying i am married to my friends, because i am not. then ej called me. it was interesting to talk again, but i had a sudden feeling of hope. hope for what, i don't know, but knowing myself it is something foolish and utterly stupid misplaced and imaginative... something romantic. which i promptly decided to ignore. promptly my ass.. i spend three hours on tarot.com, doing what? exactly! foolish misplaced and completely irrational. it also pointed out just how much i need to talk to jocie. jocie, if you're reading it, i need to talk to you. because i am a loser, and somehow i feel that it perhaps with you it does not matter that i am a loser..

on a happier note, i saw the bourne ultimatum, for which i am very exceedingly pleased for. it was worth the wait. i won't say it's something that affected me profoundly but i enjoyed it dearly, all the ass kicking and face punching... i am truly violent and angry on the inside. on a not so happy note, i got bitten by three fucking mosquitoes already and the night is not looking up. make it four. argh.

as it is, i will part with a poem that i read in syracuse record, of all things. it's by philip booth:

As you float now, where I held you
and let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
         lie gently and wide to the
       light-year stars, lie back,
        and the sea will hold you.

a day like any other. day.

2007-07-30T00:28:00Z

today was nothing else but ordinary. somehow i am fine with that, there's nothing wrong with ordinary. after all, it is my style ordinary and i don't think many people would handle my ordinary. whatever it is. and this is what it is.

went to church today to listen to a very dull homily. let me rephrase that, i woke up today early enough and having slept little enough to go to church just to leave it irritated. the priest had made some major mistakes during the mass, which, although major, were forgivable. but the homily was butchered totally, and that... that is not forgivable. i do not go to church to listen to a dude who can't put things together coherently. he is a young priest but for the love of god, if you can't preach then don't preach. it wasn't as if he said that offended my view on the religion, just simply he did not know how to speak to the public. he was lacking energy, reading and not looking at the people, he talked for more than 20 minutes (and i'd handle that if it was any pleasant) and he was repeating himself a lot. in addition to that, i personally thought he took a wrong angle on the readings and the gospel. where as he talked about whining and that we should replace it with prayer, i think a better chance stands a focus on prayer itself and perhaps the fact that we think we're praying by saying lines that have been drilled into us by YEARS of practice instead of meaning it. but now, he talked about whining. if i wanted that i'd talk to my cousins, shallow as they are.

it's is unbelievable how a broken pipe in the top apartment can affect the welfare of the others in the same column. much like a government, methinks. the pipe burst in the bathroom on the top floor (there's 6) and the water was dripping down enough to wet ever bathroom below, including ours. we live on the second floor. we didn't have water yesterday of course. imagine holding in that pee and everything else. and of course nowhere else but in our apartment only does the ceiling in the bathroom fall off and create a stinky hole dripping debris occasionally everywhere. fun, don't you think? what's even more fun is that now, when the water is back and running, you have to be careful not to get hit with the debris, worst case scenario, get buried under it during whatever you'd doing in there.

dad of course is besides himself. mom too, but she's different in her own. dad wants it fixed, immediately. he poked at it itself, much to my dismay, he won't leave anything alone and let professionals fix it. he has to fix it himself. it's not that he's capable in theory, because he is, but i rather he leave it alone less he makes it worse. i don't want to test the theory. but he is beside himself, he wants to get it fixed now, and mom is backing him up. day call up the owner of the building and the super, knowing perfectly well that it is a SUNDAY and no one will come. well, the super came but he just spent his time pacifying dad. better him than me, the important things i say these day (stop smoking in the house, stop yelling over little things, stop drinking so much beer etc etc) fall on deaf ears. i would have gotten mad myself and done nothing to appease him.

mom, well mom is her own story, she still spends time recreating the events and trying to add details to dramatize it as much as possible to create the story she'll tell others. mom is a story teller. i like the stories but not the making of them. plus, she's also focused on the fact that what if someone was in the bathroom when the ceiling fell off, and got hurt? what if? well, there's no what if, because no one was in the bathroom at the time and really, if it didn't happen why spend so much time agonizing over it?? but that's how mom does, her own style.

*sigh* yeah. then i spent the day listening to music and crying my ass off. i needed release, i haven't cried in such a long time (few weeks now) and i needed it. so put on my cry cry music on and let myself lose it to johnny cash, beatles, 3 doors down and roxette. i didn't even realize i had johnny cash on my itunes until yesterday. that happens a lot, i don't know what i have on chester.

i still haven't been able to discuss DH HP with jocie, or anyone really. i haven't met up with them yet, which is my fault totally for various reasons (some that i will list of course in just a short while, like right now). i work, which to some is a quite reasonable reason. ha! it so is not. it's an excuse, because although i work and it IS tiring, i still have got time to meet up with people. but that requires calling them, getting dressed, brushing your teeth, actually getting to the place you're supposed to meet them.. it is far more easier to sleep late, saunter around the house for most of the remaining morning, read and bicker with your brother. far more easier. it doesn't require tasks such as getting dressed, eating, damn even thinking sometimes. plus, i am a loner type of person, so, when i am not in work (where there's far more people that i wish i'd seen or looked at) i want the immediate opposite when i am home. meaning, none. my family can be ignored for the most part. they always manage to talk to you somehow anyhow, so the peace in not continuous.

i've read DH in one day. loved it with minor insights. but i haven't got the chance to discuss it, so i won't write much about it. i haven't come to terms about the epilogue and and i don't how compromised is my slash preference (i don't think it is at all, some details can be so quickly forgotten it seems they have never happened to begin with) but i still need to discuss it, just to make sure that what i understood is what others understood, to glorify in certain fragments and completely overlook others, to bring attention to certain details maybe i've missed, maybe someone else did. hmm. i need jocie. or isabel.

i am not great on epiphanies, being oblivious even to the most obvious stuff. i've read some amazing posts on lj about DH, analyzing certain characters, certain aspects of DH that have never crossed my head. apparently they've crossed someone's head though. it only confirms what i've known for the longest time, that no matter how much i love literature and how many books i read, i'll never ever will be able to understand stuff on my own. i don't think i am gifted in that area at all. just yesterday i've read an amazing post about snape, thinking, why can't i do that? why can't i see something that isn't spelled out for me, pull out deeper meanings from otherwise even text, find epiphanies, connect the dots between even A and even B. i can't. but others' can.

which leads me (inexplicably) to my summer reading list. i have by now read:

~~to kill a mockingbird - harper lee~~
~~christmas carol - c dickens~~
great expectations - c dickens
his dark materials trilogy - philip pullman (katya's recommendation)
gone with the wind - margaret mitchell
atlas shrugged
catch 22 - heller joseph
native son - richard wright
cold mountain - charles frazier
the satanic verses - salman rushdie
a brief history of time - stephen hawking
the beauty myth - naomi wolf
backlash: the undeclared war against american women - susan faludi
abortion and the politics of motherhood - kristin luker
~~reviving ophelia: saving the selves of adolescent girls - mary pipher~~
real boys: rescuing our sons fron the myths of manhood - william pollack
~~war is a force that gives us meaning - chris hedges~~
lies and the liars who tell them - al franken
listening to prozac - peter d kramer
~~a portrait of the artist as a young man - joyce james~~
the portrait of dorian gray - oscar wilde
anything and everything by toni morrison
bridget jones diary and sequel

books not on the list that i've read regardless:
quo vadis - henryk sienkiewicz
runaway world - anthony giddens
boży wojownicy - andrzej sapkowski
writing to change the world - m pipher
letters to a young therapist - m pipher
harry potter and the deathly hollows - jkrowling

and of course, ton ton ton of ffic. mpreg/severitus/bonding/snarry/drarry/snaco kinda fics.

dream. bananas grown on trees.

2007-05-25T21:56:24Z

i had another dream in the morning today. come to think of it, i have dreams always in the morning (well, the ones i remember) anytime from 7-10 am. that's also the best time to sleep. i was in poland again, however, this time in my own house and not grandma's. it was greener than i recall, there were a lot little shrubs and little trees that just started growing, not taller than my hips (less than a meter). it was my cousins and me this time too, hiding in the forest behind our house. we were climbing trees and eating fruits to survive. just so it is clear, the forest behind my house is a pine forest, no fruits grow on trees. yet, i vividly remember eating a banana. it was a splash of yellow color. later on i was creeping alongside of the fence, as if we were going to break in into our own house. it was very important to watch and be on the look out. i don't know what it was that we were on the lookout for. hmm.

dream. and the power of mars.

2007-05-24T15:41:02Z

i was in poland. initially. then i don't know what happened. two of my cousins, rafal and sławek were there, my brother and i as well. poland is always green in my dreams. we were in my grandma's place, as usual (that's where a lot of fun times happened). it's no wonder that i dream about it often. and then my dream took a weird turn. before bedtime i was reading a book called snow white, blood red edited by ellen datlow and terri windling. it's a new and a modern look on fairytales. i was reading "stalking beans" a version of the "jack and the beanstalk" fairytale. anyway, so rsp and i climb the beanstalk and suddenly we're somewhere, still poland, but a place i can't identify. i would have liked to see where this dream would have taken me to but then it completely depart from there. is it still the same dream then? i don't know. but then we're running because there's an invasion of monsters, and really those monsters are ugly brutes. so climb back down a different beanstalk and regroup. now it is more hp/sm style, with robes wizards and witches and planets which give you power. i have no known of this power previously and this is my first battle. all the other people there (i am almost positively sure that dumbledore was there too) are experienced... there's a lot of the usual talk: we must save the planet, the good must prevail, bla bla bla. it's all uplifting. rsp are not to be found. so yeah, we regroup on the lawn that's behind my grandma's lawn. i reach inside of me and look for the power... and i find it. i start glowing. i am filled with the need to fight, with the need to make justice and obtain meaning. i am filled by mars. this power is dangerous because it's violent and angry and destructable. but this time it's directed at the right subjects. and all the time i keep in mind the beanstalk that's behind us, that can be climbed, and the other place crossed over, and then climb down the other beanstalk = attack the monsters from behind. victory is near. i smile. there's a twinkle in dumbledore-look-alike's eyes. i wake up.

other than that, i don't really want to go to work. i feel better, but being myself i question how long this good mood will last. all it takes is some mistake, harsh words, criticism and then i will be down to beating myself up again.

i forgot one book on my reading list: alice in wonderland. because it's an acid trip. and because it's like one continuous string of dreams.

and now, i give you bachata. i love youtube. we learn through imitation... if only i had someone to imitate this...
pink...i see pink... the girl is blond so it isn't this hard to replace her with me
the sensual bachata
wedding bachata... i like her dress. which reminds me - i need to go shopping for dancing shoes
sexy...
my absolute favorite. this guy is hot, the lights are gorgeous, i love the music and fuck! they can dance. i am a wannabe right here right now

all the links should take you to different places. if they don't, tell me, and i'll make sure they take you to different places.

reading list. and a gag.

2007-05-23T22:38:11Z

i had really really really hard time in my work today. real hard. the whole day seemed like i was sleep walking through it. i was slow, i was checking everything twice. regardless of that i made so many little mistakes. and of course, that one big one where i was like... fuck. i'd blame it on pms, but let's be real, that cannot be the excuse for everything. *sigh* so now i am in my little shell avoiding everyone and everything, except my mom because my mom is unavoidable. literally.

i was writing an e-mai to naya and she asked me to write her my summer reading list. ha! you are going to die when you see it. so, without further bs, i present

disclaimer - some titles are shortened due to the fact that i don't remember the full ones and/or author's names are incomplete/wrong/missing ^_^

to kill a mockingbird - harper lee
christmas carol - c dickens
great expectations - c dickens
his dark materials trilogy - philip pullman (katya's recommendation)
gone with the wind - margaret mitchell
the lovely bones - alice sebold
go tell it on the mountain - baldwin james
fahrenheit 451 - bradburn ray
atlas shrugged
gullivers travels
my antonia - cather willa
red badge of courage - stephen crane
catch 22 - heller joseph
their eyes were watching god - zora weale hurston
the bell jar - sylvia plath
chosen - pot chaim
native son - richard wright
cold mountain - charles frazier
the satanic verses - salman rushdie
a brief history of time - stephen hawking
guns germs and steel - jared diamond
the beauty myth - naomi wolf
backlash: the undeclared war against american women - susan faludi
global women - nannies, maids, and sex workers in the new economy - barbara ehrenreich
abortion and the politics of motherhood - kristin luker
reviving ophelia: saving the selves of adolescent girls - mary pipher
real boys: rescuing our sons fron the myths of manhood - william pollack
war is a force that gives us meaning - chris hedges
manufacturing consent: the political economy of the mass media - edward herman and noam chomsky
the more you watch the less you know: danny schechter
branded: the buying and selling of teenagers: alissa quart
lies and the liers who tell them - al franken
listening to prozac - peter d kramer
chronicles of narnia - cs lewis
the insiders - minter
a portrait of the artist as a young man - joyce james
the portrait of dorian gray - oscar wilde
anything and everything by toni morrison
bridget jones diary and sequel

red - immediate, everything else follows

last things. autoanaliza.

2007-02-12T04:17:18Z

guilt.
self hate.
self punishment.

there's only that much horoscopes can tell you. the rest you gotta figure out by yourself.